sometimes... i just... get so frustrated
and i dont know why
i cant explain it, but its so strong it makes me sick
i feel so much pain, and yet, its not there... i cant do a damn thing about it, but its weighing on me like lead. i cant begin to describe how i feel...and the worst part is i cant think of why i feel this way. today had started as a good day... so what happened? what went wrong? whered it change? and i honestly cant figure it out. i cant bring my mind around to grasp what had happened to my mood.

is it me? is it that i cant be the person i want to be? that i know of nothing other than sitting on my computer? is it that i dont have any friends, and the ones i do have i dont like?
what is it that makes me feel this way? parents maybe?
i know that i started being cross with my mother today, right as my school day ended. but that didnt spur this...this was deeper; more profound...something i cant understand. it came from my very depths, and yet i cant seem to place what it is. ive felt it before... the anxious burning of desire to do something, but not knowing what it is. knowing that not just anything will fill that void,b ut something specific...its hard to grasp that i feel this way. i have no reason to, but i do.

im sick of who i am and how i feel. i sit around on my computer, and i waste my life away. but why? why do i do this? it doesnt make me happy; i know that for sure. but then why cant i stop? am i drawn to the monotony of daily life and routine? am i forced into this cage because i cant develop the feelings i want? i know that above all my frustration right now is my inability to write...the one thing i want to do more than anything, and yet it wont come. the ideas wont flow...the names and places i want to make are gone. theres nothing i can do... and it makes me afraid and pained...